Woah. I’m sitting in my bathtub, brushing my hair while it has conditioner in it and I’m listening to music. A song starts playing that reminds of a very unstable time in my life, both because of content and the fact that I would have listened to it back then. Unstable more in a relationship way then a just me off the rails type of way.

Anyway, I’m listening and I’m singing and I’m overcome by a feeling if nostalgia. Like I am literally experiencing a longing for that time. Now, there were definitely good times then, life is complex, it’s never all bad but … That is not what I’m feeling longing for. There is some part of me that misses the intensity, the drama of that life. WTF? Trauma is wild.

Having been sick for so long, I’m not surprised by the feeling of missing a time where I felt much more alive. I also had better access to my emotions at that time. Like a lot of people, in attempting to heal my emotional instability, I’ve swung too far in the opposite direction, I’m all bound up. I’m aware of this. I’m working on it. It is interesting that this part isn’t longing for a future where I can feel my feels in a healthy manner but instead a past that was intensely painful. Huh? I think I may need to do some inquiring as to the needs of that part of me. Interesting.