I leave my house, on occasion.

Upon my return, my dog’s greeting would seem to indicate that either, I am the most important, awe inspiring human being on the planet, or this occasion, my return, is the greatest thing that has ever happened in her life.

I get the same reaction when I get up in the morning. Every morning. It’s like she can’t believe she had to go an entire night without my presence. She wiggles. She dances. She whines if I start to walk away.

I understand that this is what dogs do. When a dog loves someone, they love them with all of their energy. Their entire being. This is typical dog behavior yet, somehow, I have trouble buying it.

When my son was an infant, I often googled (more times than I’d like to admit) things along the lines of – why does my baby love me? Why does my baby love me so much? Why is my baby obsessed with me?

Again, I understand that I am his mom. He’s gonna love me no matter what. The little dude didn’t really have a choice in the matter. Human babies tend to love their mom’s, whether that mom deserves it or not. It’s a matter of survival but …

I had a hard time buying it.

There is some part of me that believes, whole heartedly, that not only am I not worthy of love but that I am expendable, invisible, non existent. Every time some one from my past recognizes me, it blows my fucking mind. I truly believe that I am not memorable.

I can, of course, trace this back to my childhood. I could lay it all out for you, all the reasons I think I came to believe this but right now, I don’t want to. I only want to say that my heart aches for that child. The girl who felt so insignificant in her life and with those meant to love her that she’s carried that belief with her as her foundation of being. My heart aches for her and all of those other children carried in the hearts and bodies of adults who’s still feel unseen.