Halloween poisoning

It’s Halloween and I’m sitting at my sister’s house, alone, trying not to feel too depressed.

My child. My partner. My sister and nieces… Are all out trick or treating without me. I went briefly but I’m too sick to continue.

It’s hard when illness prevents you from doing things with those that you love. Halloween is particularly hard for me.

Instead of wallowing in self pity, I think I’ll talk to you all.

So, anyway…I poisoned myself today. No, I didn’t like drink some Drano or take a bottle of aspirin or even eat some food that had gone bad or any contaminated Halloween candy. What I did do though, was put on some deodorant.

I use a non toxic deodorant, which I had accidentally left downstairs. I, being upstairs and thinking that my mom had switched to a non toxic one too, used hers. I didn’t have the energy to go back down to the basement and I didn’t want to be smelly. I may not be able to participate in Halloween the way that I would like but I was still going to be around people.

Anyway, definitely not non toxic. Toxic. Very, very toxic.

Immediately my head started to pound and my stomach turn and I wanted nothing more than to remove this wretched substance from skin. I felt the little energy that I had draining away. It would not come off. I had to get back in the shower and I could still faintly smell it.

My first thought was “why the fuck is this in my house? Everyone knows how sick I am and how fucking sensitive I am”. Immediately followed by “wait, no, why is this even in the world?”

I recently watched a video about Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS), where they used the metaphor of a canary in a coal mine. The world’s most sensitive people are dropping like flies.

If toxins are affecting those of us living with chronic illness, they are affecting the rest of you too, whether you realize it or not. We are the dead canaries. It’s time to run folks.

Awhile back, I sent some links to my mom for some less toxic hair sprays. Hers sends me running for the bathroom, violently dry heaving. She was not receptive. I was talking to my sister about it and she said something along the lines of it being a lot to expect of her to switch, given what our mom does for a living, which is hair. She’s a beautician. Hair spray is her life.

At the time, I agreed. It is a lot to ask. The more I think though, hmm, fuck that.

Changing to healthier products is exactly what we should be asking of the people who style hair for a living. They use more product than anyone. They influence what the public purchases. Therefore, they have the most responsibility to use ethical products. This goes for any industry.

Period. The end.

Unhappy Halloween

I’ve made the final decision. I will not be dressing up for Halloween this year. I’m just too sick. It isn’t possible.

This is, of course, something that I already knew but I didn’t want to accept it.

I’m hopeful that because now we know what we’re working with, symptoms will be under control by next year.

I’m hopeful that the hematologist will be able to give me an official medical diagnosis of MCAS.

I’m hopeful that this will mean that I will be taken at least somewhat more seriously.

I am hopeful but for now this really sucks. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love Halloween. You may or may not know that I wasn’t aloud to celebrate it as a child for “religious” reasons and that that makes it all the more important to me now.

*sigh*

Now to figure out how I’m going to manage taking my son trick or treating….

I need a wheelchair.