I’m watching the documentary Strip Down, Rise Up on Netflix. I’ve only just started it, so I don’t really have an opinion on the documentary itself as of yet. It’s about a woman who teaches pole dance. She teaches women to pole dance in order to bring them back into their bodies, back to themselves. Reconnecting with their bodies, opening themselves to vulnerability, processing trauma and reawakening their feminine essence.

Oh, it’s bringing up feelings of longing in me. I miss dancing. I miss moving my body, like at all (I currently have almost zero exercise tolerance and it’s been this way for over a decade), but in this moment, especially that way. The slow, sensual, in touch with yourself way.

I’m thinking about it and back in my stripping days, I don’t think I was ever really dancing for the customers. If, by chance I did happen to try, I’m guessing it wasn’t my best work. I started dancing for myself at home. I would put on my boots (yep, the kind with the statuesque heels) and dance in front of a mirror, in my undies, for myself.

This remained my method, even in a club full of people. Internal. Connecting with myself. My sensuality. My sexuality. Me. And, in my opinion, that’s hot as fuck🤷 I miss that. I’m looking forward to getting it back. This, among other parts of myself that have gone missing in the duration of this illness. I’m healing. I believe that. No matter the extent of my physical healing, I will find a way to reclaim those parts of me lost along the way.