This morning I woke struggling to breathe, suffocating under a cloud of panic.
I was dreaming that there was a tiny kitten, like smaller then a mouse tiny, running around my house and my cats were trying to kill it. I was panicking in the dream so waking in a state of panic seems appropriate, except that I wasn’t panicking about the kitten. I went straight from dream panic to wide awake with the thought that we need to get gas masks, followed by the need to be prepared in other ways. Given recent events, I’m not surprised that the need to feel prepared was at the forefront of my subconscious.
All of this quickly translated into guilt. How could I bring my son into this world when it’s falling apart? I don’t mean to be all doom and gloom. My beliefs actually aren’t but this is once again bringing up the subject of balance for me.
I’m struggling to find balance in my personal life, especially in the area of being a mom and healing. Like I said, while the world does feel unsafe and we do need to face those things at the root head on, my personal beliefs are filled with faith and hope. How do we find balance in this current culture? How do we know how to best prepare our children for the world we live in? How do we hold hope in the midst of chaos without totally going under?
I’ve recently bought some Stasher bags so that we can stop using disposable sandwich baggies. They’re a little pricey, so I could only afford to get four. I’ll probably end up getting a few more in the future but this will work well enough for us right now. These are supposed to last for years, so in the long run, the price should be well worth it. I’ll update later and let you know how they’re working out.
In the picture, you might also be able to see that we’ve started composting. I’d still like to do a little research to find out if we have off site composting in my area but as we intend to use it in our garden, we’ve been doing it ourselves. I think many people assume food waste isn’t a big deal (I did). I mean, it’s food, it breaks down, right? What I’ve learned recently, is that food waste doesn’t break down properly in the landfill thus creating methane. Methane is a really potent greenhouse gas so food waste is actually really damaging to the environment.
One last update. I’ve been using period panties for a few years now but I’ve still been using pads as well. I didn’t have enough pairs to change them more than once a day ( the undies). I decided to rectify that problem and bought five more pairs. The ones I already had are Thinx brand. I decided to go with a more environmentally conscious company this time and bought from Kayaness.
I just started reading How To Give Up Plastic by Will McCallum. I was surprised to realize that I already do some of the things that they recommend. Such as using a reusable water bottle, rarely eating out and using plastic utensils/straws/food containers, using a shampoo and conditioner bar wrapped in compostable materials. Now, that I’m thinking, I also use bamboo toothbrushes that are also compostable.
Anyway, the point is that I am and have been making changes and I’d like to share them here. So… I found out (not from the book, I can’t recall where) that you can register to reduce the amount of junk mail that you receive, and I wanted to leave that link here. You just register and pay five dollars for processing and bam,10 years of reduced junk mail.
I got some reusable grocery bags and some books on living more sustainably.
Originally, I intended to just tell you guys and let you know that I will share any changes that I make in my life attempting to minimize my impact but… Then I saw this.
The tone of the meme suggests that making changes in our personal lives is pointless. We may as well just give up. I call bullshit.
Yes, I absolutely agree that behaviors like flying across the world for cheesecake make a larger impact than someone using paper straws or something similar. I also agree, wholeheartedly that we need to push back against the behaviors of the rich, whether it be celebrities, business’s or government but that doesn’t mean we just give up.
I believe every little bit counts but also, it’s the right thing to do. If you’re saying well Kim Kardashian is doing x,y or z so I don’t have to do anything, you’re just as bad as they are, in my opinion.
This is an argument that I see come up a lot…More of the problem is coming from big business so individual action is futile, we should be lobbying our representatives instead of reducing our impact. If that is what you are called to do, please do that. However, for me it seems the opposite. I can’t see the government or any business making any changes unless or until they see that the public wants it. How do we show that we want it? By living the change. So, that’s what I’m going to do. Join me or don’t but please, for the love of God, don’t just sit there twiddling your thumbs while calling out other people. That helps no one.
I went to the zoo the other day, which by the way, is massive in terms of my healing. But anyway, I went to the zoo and I’m pretty sure that someone, a fellow zoo visitor, referred to me as a whale.
I posted this on Facebook awhile back…
This came up in both my memories and my sister’s. We talked about it, you know, haha weren’t we cute. Then she said something that surprised me. She said that my arms look so skinny that I look so small. I am 15 here and 132lbs. How do I know that? The 132lbs part? Because I thought I was so fucking fat. Honestly, I can tell you how much I weigh in damn near any picture of me. I’m more likely to know my weight than my age. I have never been comfortable in my skin unless I weighed between 110 and 122(preferably not over 118). I am currently obese. There are no pictures of me because I can not stand to look at myself. Not only am I overweight but I have severe diastasis recti, my abdominal muscles are separated, deformed and I look very pregnant. I have an understanding of why my body is the way it is currently. The diastasis recti was caused by a lack of energy, my body is unable to convert food into energy in the way that a body is meant to combined with a C-section that caused the muscle to be unable to move and kept them in their separated position. My body overcompensated to get my son here healthily. I am incredibly grateful for this. Many people who suffer from mold illness gain a lot of weight and are unable to shed it. I forget the technicalities of what is happening in the body (though I can find articles that explain it). Mycotoxins store themselves in fatty tissue and the body basically convinces itself that it is starving to death in order to gain fat and prevent the mycotoxins from storing in the brain causing brain damage (this is why liposuction is a legit detox treatment for some people with mold illness). I am also grateful for this as well. There is no good reason that I was able to get my son here healthily or that I am even still alive except that my body is amazing and it did what it needed to in order to protect me and Eli. Miraculous. Yet, knowing this I still cannot stand to look at myself and going in public is hard. I’m filled with shame. I am 15 in this picture and about to start dating the boy, who became the man, who is now my ex husband. The boy who referred to my stomach as squishy…pudgey. I am 15 here and I’ve already lived through years of my mother hovering over me while I ate, making comments about how I didn’t want to end up fat like her. I am 15 here and about a year away from anorexia and decades of disordered eating. I am 15 here and 132lbs I am 15 and my worth was not, is not, will never be determined by my weight or body shape… But I didn’t know that. We need to do better.
I absolutely believe that… That my worth, your worth, anybody’s worth, is not determined by the shape or size or anything else having to do with our bodies. And… I so badly do not want to be bothered by that comment… The one in which I was compared to a whale. I mean, the comment really is not a reflection of me but of the commenter. It says nothing of my character but a lot about his.
I want the comment to roll off of me like water, having no affect. I want it to be a non issue, unimportant but…It did affect me. It hurt. And honestly, I spent a good deal of time berating myself for that fact.
How dare I be concerned about something so insignificant when there are real problems to worry about? Things that affect everyone, not just myself. Most notably, in my mind at the moment, the environment… climate change… Mama Earth. I should be using my energy to figure out ways that I can change… That I can help (I’ve been using more sustainable/non toxic products more and more but that’s not enough!), not worrying over an insignificant… unimportant comment about my weight.
The more I thought about it though, the more I realized that it is important. It’s like I said in my Facebook post… We need to do better. It is important that we, all of us humans, grow up knowing our worth. Not just intellectually but in our bodies. It’s important that we know it to and through our bones. That it resonates in our thoughts and feelings, minds and hearts. That we are at home, at peace with ourselves. People who feel good, do good.
Conversely, people who feel bad are more likely to do bad or at least become complacent, not believing that they are significant enough to make a difference. Or like Mr Judgemental Commenter, to spread more of the same… Not seeing others as human, as deserving… seeing others as separate.
We’re not… separate… Not really. We are in this thing, this life together and just like we do all need to do better in the ways in which we treat our planet, we also need to do better in the ways we treat each other and ourselves. I’m not sure the two are mutually exclusive. I think they may actually be the same thing.
